Co-dependency is a partnership where each partner provides what the other partner needs, both physically and emotionally.
It is a balanced agreement based on give & take and compromise.
Partners are unaware of their dependency on each other emotionally until they become aware of their own emotional needs.
All the time we are in a co-dependent relationship, we are unaware of our emotional needs because they are automatically being met sub-consciously by our partner.
When our emotional needs are being met, we have no emotional needs, and therefore, no opportunity to become aware of what they are.
The way out of co-dependency is to seek independence. Yet we cannot become independent within a co-dependent relationship until we learn to consciously meet our own emotional needs.
The journey towards independence therefore, requires time alone in the ‘desert’.
Can one ever be in a co-dependent relationship (I’m thinking of co-dependency in alcoholism) AND be independent? Or do you suggest to cut all ties with that partner?
A relationship with alcohol is a dependency not a co-dependency. The alcohol does not need you. It will remain quite happy left in the bottle. It doesn’t need to be drunk. It is the drinker that needs to be drunk.
We transition from dependency to independency via co-dependency. With the assistance of a co-dependent partner we gradually gain our independence.
Once we gain our independence we are free to explore both an inter-dependent and an inter-developmental relationship with our partner.
I would advise you to choose a relationship with a partner that you consider healthy for you.
Can you have a healthy relationship with a bottle of alcohol?
Yes, I didn’t phrase that very well…
I am thinking of the co-dependency that exists between two humans, i.e. one being an alcoholic (A)and the partner (B) making excuses for A’s dependency on alcohol. Doesn’t this (not just making excuses – the whole relationship) often make the partner (B) co-dependent? (I know you can “make” someone something, they’ll already are prone to a certain type of behavior)
How can one ensure that the partner (B) who helps to achieve independence – and is (presumably?) co-dependent, as is (A) – doesn’t suffer through A’s alcohol dependency?
Nobody can make us be anything that we do not choose to be.
We suffer only as the consequence of our own choices.
The move to true independence is a process of becoming aware of our own emotional needs and then consciously meeting them our self.
Once we learn to meet our own emotional needs, we become strong enough to make our own choices and no longer need to be either a victim of life or other people.
Our journey in life is about our self. Other people are there purely to assist us on our journey, until we are ready to enjoy the journey with them in an inter-developmental relationship.
When partner (B) becomes emotionally independent, partner (A) will no longer find her emotionally attractive and will look for someone else to resonate with in victimhood.